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released December 6, 2010

Written*, recorded and performed by Stuart Smythe

*except for title track 'Cuddles' co-written with Gareth Hogg



all rights reserved



Once upon a time Stuart 'The Rage' Smithers had a dream. That dream was to become a cyborg; transplant his organic brain into a metal bionic body, fly into space and take over the galaxy. Unfortunately he didn't have any scientific knowledge or the necessary funding, so instead he started a 'comedy band side project' in the vague hope that someday people might actually pay money for his music. ... more

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Track Name: Record of Achievement
I get excited at the prospect
of the digital camera
that the girly in the rock club
always carries around

she takes the photos of the indie boys
and the girls in their short skirts
they turn their faces to the lens and
they pull a beautiful smile

but when she comes my way she
(does what?)
she simply walks right past me
(no way!)
it's like she doesn't see me
it's like I'm invisible

so at the very next couple
(what do you do?)
as she's lining up the shot I
(do what)
I wait for the very moment that
the flash light goes
that the flash light goes wagh

that picture's going in my record of achievement!

I took myself to the zoo
with nothing much better to do
I saw a grizzly bear try to chew
a guy's head off and I was all like
oh my god, snap

I was musing on the meaning of life
cruising on an existential plain (woo)
when I saw a cute bunny rabbit chewing a leaf
and I thought 'I have to get myself a photo of that'

I was getting my tan on
at the beach in the summertime
I saw a topless woman
and the shutter lens went click

well, her husband wasn't happy
he came storming right over
I've still got the bruises
you can see them all online, wow

that picture's going in my record of achievement!
the people in the air look good
the people in the air look sexified
oh! do you hear me? oh!

the people on the left have style
the people on the left are going wild
oh! with excitement, oh!

the people on the right are spies
the people on the right are living a lie
oh! fake moustaches, oh!

na na na na na na na na naa
na na na na na na na imposters

they're on the walls, get down
they're on the walls, get out of town
oh! everybody, oh!

creeping inbetween the lines
they're gonna get you and all your kind
oh! you'll never stop them, oh!

imposters, they're imposters
we can't escape their lies

na na na na na na na na naa
na na na na na na na imposters
Track Name: Jijonjijumjom
your guitar looks like a fanny
and your fanny looks like a guitar
the world is a bit of a messed up place
but fuck me that's bizarre

I don't know if you remember
the days when we used to laugh
but those days are long since over
and I'm never gonna touch your faff
I won't touch it

well let me tell ya
things go really wronga when I try to do the conga
my grace has many faults when it comes to do a waltz
sometimes I fall over when I do the bossa nova
but the fox trot is a wonderful wonderful dance
I drop my pants
Track Name: M1ghty Tr33

I don't know about you
but I'm losing control
I'm coming loose at the seams
we gotta make our getaway
this town is filling up up up
so I can't breathe
we're just a weakjawed domebrained
talkative twolegged species
out to get what we can
if I had a hundred thousand pounds
for every time I heard someone say that
I'd be a very rich man

we write songs you gotta dance like a twat to
isn't it isn't it isn't it isn't it good?
the next person I take a cricket bat to
is it gonna be you? is it gonna be you?
you're a squirrel and I'm a triceratops
it's not often you get the chance to see
something quite like that!


I hate you
and your personality
it's like falling
out of a tree
no, not a chestnut, an oak or an ash
a fern or a sycamore, a willow with panache
nay, not an olive wood, an apple or an orange
or a lemon or a maple
I like blancmange
my tree would be a mighty tree
like a giant American redwood
(they are really good)
Track Name: basslines+drumbeats=success
we'll never make this work
we've tried and we've tried
so very hard
but we always end up burnt
we just can't make it last
I bet by now we'd have killed each other
if it wasn't for this simple maths
and that's:


and so we fly into the night together
arm in arm, the moonlight reflected in our eyes
together looking down on a world
so full of misery and pain
and so we look at one another
and in that moment we know exactly what to do
and as one, we cast our spell of basslines
and drumbeats
and suddenly
Track Name: Cuddles
well, last night was fun
but I felt something was lacking
after all of the smooches
and the gentle bottom patting
I know this might sound forward
when we've never shared a bed
but I got this crazy notion;
it won't leave my head

I want a reacharound
off you

you can call the police
if that's the price I have to pay
cos I just want you to hold me
in that extra special way
in fact, if you don't mind,
I'd like to reacharound you too
we can reacharound each other
all day long except to poo
and when the day is over
we can fondle through the night
I guess I sound deluded
but it just seems right

I want a reacharound
off you
Track Name: We Race Cars
the year is 1991
sit down buckle up
we're going on a ride
do you think you can handle the speeds we'll
be doing?
okay? let's drive
I'm gonna take you to the year 8000
and show you how it all works
what's this, we're just in Ancient Egypt
my bad, I accidentally reversed
look at that it's the world exploding
oh dear we came a little too far
what the frig, this is getting boring
okay, okay, we're nearly there

we race cars
through time
driving into the future
is that a crime?
we race cars
because we must
have control of the universe
don't make a fuss

we pull up outside the very best club in town
checking out the hot ladies of this era
and we hit the floor and mosey on down
but our moves are outdated and most inferior
and everybody's wearing bowler hats
everybody's reading science fiction
and everybody's wearing leather chaps
everybody's feeling the constriction
and playing on their analogue synthesisers

we race cars
through time
driving into the future
is that a crime?
we race cars
because we must
have control of the universe
don't make a fuss
Track Name: Hell is what you make of it
don't reject my numerous advances, gareth
you don't have to pay the ticket if you want an easy ride
and don't pretend you're not impressed by my sexual powers
you could be such a force to be reckoned with by my side
and don't forget hell is what you make of it

alright, yeah, ahuh, yep

there's something else that I feel that I should tell you
there's an undercurrent stirring, a feeling of unrest
and we don't wanna let the man push us down, boy
antidisestablishmentarianism is the best
imagine, if you will, a world with no more structure
you and me, baby, we were born to rock the boat
and if we don't get it on soon my crotch is gonna rupture
you gotta take your chances and grab life by the throat
just like I said, hell is what you make of it

oh yes, indeed, wow, gareth?